Well, it’s that time of year again. A time for media snobs to snub their noses at awards nominations. But you know what they say, nothing ever gets done by committee. So here I am, your valiant knight in rusted armor, to swoop in with what we all know to be the correct opinions on these matters.
But please keep in mind I have a life and do not work in Hollywood and therefore have not seen every movie and TV show that came out this year.
Best Motion Picture – Drama
“Black Panther”– A Marvel movie? Please. “BlacKkKlansman”– Did not see this one, as I was given mixed and middling reviews! Does not seem worthy of awards recognition, but who can say? Certainly not me. “Bohemian Rhapsody”– Bryan Singer directed this. Gross. “A Star Is Born”– Bradley Cooper directed this. Gross.
- “If Beale Street Could Talk” – Will admit I have not seen this yet, but Barry Jenkins directing a James Baldwin adaptation is everything I’ve ever wanted, so I am assuming this movie deserves at the very least a nomination.
- “Widows” – This movie was entertaining, thrilling, well-directed, well-acted, and involved Viola Davis carrying a fluffy white dog named Olivia around wherever she went. Let’s show it some love!
- “Searching” – Came and went with little to no fanfare, but John Cho gave a great performance, and I ended up liking the movie even more than I had expected to. Let’s put it on the list!
- “Tully” – Charlize Theron gave a great performance. And I’m a sucker for a Diablo Cody script.
- “Annihilation” – I personally didn’t love this movie, but the concept sustained itself well enough, I guess!
- I heard “First Reformed” was really good?
Best Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama
Glenn Close (“The Wife”) Lady Gaga (“A Star Is Born”) Nicole Kidman (“Destroyer”) Melissa McCarthy (“Can You Ever Forgive Me?”) Rosamund Pike (“A Private War”)
- I have not seen any of these movies, and while I will admit that I do like all these actresses (slash pop stars turned actresses), this list is looking pretty monochrome.
- Viola Davis (“Widows”, Everything)
- Toni Collette (“Hereditary”) – Please keep in mind I have not seen “Hereditary” but still firmly maintain she deserves an award for it regardless.
- I know I need five nominees; I don’t care!
Best Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama
Bradley Cooper (“A Star Is Born”)– Just… absolutely not.)
- Willem Dafoe (“At Eternity’s Gate”)
- Lucas Hedges (“Boy Erased”)
- Rami Malek (“Bohemian Rhapsody”)
- John David Washington (“BlacKkKlansman”)
- Considering I have not seen any of these movies, I am currently incapable of comment. Other than Bradley Cooper, who kinda creeps me out so I don’t like him. But let us also acknowledge…
- John Cho (“Searching”)
- Brian Tyree Henry (“Widows”) – At this point, I am convinced that I would lay down my life for Brian Tyree Henry if presented with the opportunity.
Best Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy
“Crazy Rich Asians”– Okay in fairness I love Constance Wu very much, but extravagant romcoms do not appeal to me in the slightest. And this is my awards ceremony, so I do what I fucking want, okay??? “Green Book” “Mary Poppins Returns”– Heard this was good?? Hmm… “Vice”
- “The Favourite” – This stays on the list because this movie is fucking awesome.
- “Thoroughbreds” – I said what I said! I don’t care if it premiered in 2017, it got a theatrical release in March of 2018 and I am including it!
- “Death of Stalin” – Also only got a theatrical release in 2018! I am the people’s champion!!!
- “Sorry to Bother You” – I loved it and so should you!
- And because I need a fifth, uhhh, “Ocean’s 8” – I mean… I had fun?
Best Actress in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy
- Emily Blunt (“Mary Poppins Returns”) – I’m sure she’s great in this– I mean, she’s Emily Blunt! What’s not to like?
- Olivia Colman (“The Favourite”) – Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!
- Elsie Fisher (“Eighth Grade”) – I’m rootin’ for ya, kid!
- Charlize Theron (“Tully”) – Okay sure but in what world is Tully a comedy?
- Constance Wu (“Crazy Rich Asians”) – Don’t care for the movie, but she can stay!
Best Actor in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy
Christian Bale (“Vice”) Lin-Manuel Miranda (“Mary Poppins Returns”) Viggo Mortensen (“Green Book”) Robert Redford (“The Old Man & the Gun”) John C. Reilly (“Stan & Ollie”)
- Oh, I am having none of that.
- Anton Yelchin (“Thoroughbreds”)
- Lakeith Stanfield (“Sorry to Bother You”)
- Whoever the main actor in “Death of Stalin” was. (Was it Buscemi? Was it Beale? We just don’t know.)
Best Actress in a Supporting Role in any Motion Picture
- Amy Adams (“Vice”)
- Claire Foy (“First Man”)
- Regina King (“If Beale Street Could Talk”)
- Emma Stone (“The Favourite”)
- Rachel Weisz (“The Favourite”)
- Okay, you know what, this seems fair. I would also include the following:
- Anne Hathaway (“Ocean’s 8”) – She was legitimately amazing in this. I’m not saying she deserves to win, but let’s at least give her some recognition!
- Tessa Thompson (“Sorry to Bother You”) – Tessa Thompson hot!
- Olivia the Dog (“Widows”)
Best Actor in a Supporting Role in any Motion Picture
Mahershala Ali (“Green Book”) Timothee Chalamet (“Beautiful Boy”) Adam Driver (“BlacKkKlansman”) Richard E. Grant (“Can You Ever Forgive Me?”) Sam Rockwell (“Vice”)
- Have seen none of these movies, and therefore cannot judge. You know what I have seen?
- Steven Yeun (“Sorry to Bother You”)
- Daniel Kaluuya (“Widows”) – That performance though. Damn.
- Can’t think of any others, but that checks out…
Best Motion Picture – Animated
“Incredibles 2” “Isle of Dogs” “Mirai” “Ralph Breaks the Internet” “Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse”
- I know it came out last year, but it did not win the Oscar and I am therefore renominating “The Breadwinner” because it was amazing.
Best Motion Picture – Foreign Language
- “Never Look Away”
- As if I’m cultured enough to have seen any of these movies! You know what? These can stay.
- Oh, but I hear “Burning” was good too.
Best Director – Motion Picture
Bradley Cooper (“A Star Is Born”)– That’s an automatic no from me.
- Alfonso Cuaron (“Roma”) – You know what? I haven’t seen this, but I’m sure it’s great. Because everyone is acting like it was, which means it’s true!
Peter Farrelly (“Green Book”) Spike Lee (“BlacKkKlansman”) Adam McKay (“Vice”)
- Boots Riley (“Sorry to Bother You”) – This movie was insane! Loved it!
- Yogos Lanthimos (“The Favourite”) – This movie was also insane! Loved it!
- Barry Jenkins (“If Beale Street Could Talk”) – Because Barry Jenkins deserves awards.
- Steve McQueen (“Widows”) – Every shot was so clean and deliberate, and he turned a potentially dull script into something spectacular. Let’s give him recognition for that.
Best Screenplay – Motion Picture
- Alfonso Cuaron (“Roma”) – Sure
- Deborah Davis and Tony McNamara (“The Favourite”) – Sure!
- Barry Jenkins (“If Beale Street Could Talk”) – Sure!
- Adam McKay (“Vice”) – Sure?
Peter Farrelly, Nick Vallelonga, Brian Currie (“Green Book”)– No movie written by three people is winning no goddamn Golden Globe.
- Aneesh Changanty, Sev Ohanian (“Searching”) – Suspense thrillers/mysteries are harder to write than you’d think! …I’m guessing.
Best Original Score – Motion Picture
- Marco Beltrami (“A Quiet Place”)
- Alexandre Desplat (“Isle of Dogs”)
- Ludwig Göransson (“Black Panther”) – Okay, “Black Panther” was very well-scored; I can attest to this
- Justin Hurwitz (“First Man”)
- Marc Shaiman (“Mary Poppins Returns”)
- Can’t really speak to any of this but the audacity to not include the music in “Hearts Beat Loud,” scored by Keegan DeWitt!
Best Original Song – Motion Picture
- “All the Stars” (“Black Panther”)
- “Girl in the Movies” (“Dumplin’”)
- “Requiem For a Private War” (“A Private War”)
- “Revelation’ (“Boy Erased”)
- “Shallow” (“A Star Is Born”)
- Okay sure whatever what do I know
Finally, TV! Where I shine!
Best Television Series – Drama …Wait I just remembered I didn’t watch any dramas this year
- “The Americans” – I keep being told I need to watch this show by veritable sources, so why not?
“Bodyguard”– Hasan Minhaj implied this show was racist. So it’s racist! “Homecoming”– Have literally never heard of this before?
- “Killing Eve” – This show was great and deserves every award… But are we sure it’s not a comedy?
- “Pose” – Have not seen it (yet) but other than the Ryan Murphy of it all, it looked very good!
- “Atlanta” – I think it technically qualifies as a comedy, but if “Killing Eve” is a drama, then “Robbin Season” absolutely was too.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series – Drama
- Caitriona Balfe (“Outlander”) – Who is this person and why does her name sound like someone gargling and then choking on water?
Elisabeth Moss (“The Handmaid’s Tale”)– I have nothing to say on this other than, Girl, leave Scientology!!!!!!!!!! (Also “Handmaid’s Tale” is gratuitous torture porn that didn’t need a second season.)
- Sandra Oh (“Killing Eve”) – AN EMMY FOR SANDRA!
Julia Roberts (“Homecoming”)– I hated “Notting Hill.”
- Keri Russell (“The Americans”) – I liked “Waitress.”
- Jodie Comer (“Killing Eve”) – I mean, she was brilliant in this! Let’s give her her due.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series – Drama
Jason Bateman (“Ozark”)– I do not trust Michael Bluth as far as I could throw him, and that gritty, blue-tinted show does not look remotely worthy of awards recognition. Stephan James (“Homecoming”)– Who? Richard Madden (“Bodyguard”)– Who?
- Billy Porter (“Pose”) – I know nothing about him other than he is on “Pose” and therefore, in all likelihood, gay, so good for him!
- Matthew Rhys (“The Americans”) – Again I have been told to watch this show and have yet to do so (because, like “Pose,” it is on FX, which I do not have access to) so this decision to keep him on the list is less a conscious one and more just… Schrodinger’s Globe nom.
- Brian Tyree Henry (“Atlanta”) – What we won’t be doing is ignoring his incredible performance in the episode “Woods,” which was definitely emotionally-taxing in many ways, and he gave it his all. He is incredible in this show.
Sure sucks that the golden age of prestige television drama is dead, huh?
Best Television Series – Musical or Comedy
“Barry” “The Good Place” “Kidding” “The Kominsky Method” “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”
- These nominations are all garbage. Even the “The Good Place,” which, not until recently I purported as one of the smartest comedies currently on TV, has fallen out of my favor tremendously. Instead, might I nominate…
- “Schitt’s Creek” – Even though this show hails from Canada, I firmly maintain it deserves every [American] award in the book. I would readily call it the best sitcom currently on television, equal parts dry, witty, and acerbic, and lovely and heartwarming. Dan Levy deserves to be showered with the utmost praise for writing a near-perfect show that I am currently on my third full rewatch of. And you will recognize the genius behind it, dammit!
- “American Vandal” – While not as good as its first season, this Netflix original (gone too soon) is perhaps the only thing on their lineup that is actually better than it sounds. I have never seen another show set in a high school that even comes close to accurately capturing the experience, and for that alone, it deserves every accolade.
- “Killing Eve” – I know this was already nominated in the drama section, but let’s not kid ourselves, it’s also quite the comedy! So I am, in fact, nominating her twice, because I do what I fucking want!!!
- “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” – A musical, comedy, and drama, I had difficulty sorting this, but 2/3 is greater than 1/3, so here we are. This is the best and least-watched show on television (neither of those statements is hyperbole, by the way). It deserves every Golden Globe, every Emmy, every Tony, every Grammy, every MHA (those are the Mental Health Awareness Awards, if you didn’t know), and a way bigger budget.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series – Musical or Comedy
Kristen Bell (“The Good Place”) Candice Bergen (“Murphy Brown”) Alison Brie (“Glow”) Rachel Brosnahan (“The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”)– I hear her impression of a Jew really picks up in season 2! Debra Messing (“Will & Grace”)
- Just, absolutely not.
- Catherine O’Hara (“Schitt’s Creek”) – In 2019, we recognize the incredible comedic force that is Catherine O’Hara! A Canadian treasure, she is the only comedian out there whose delivery of otherwise normal lines has made me shriek– yes, shriek– with laughter. She may very well be the funniest person alive.
- Rachel Bloom (“Crazy Ex-Girlfriend”) – I know she has already won this award, I just think she deserves another one.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series – Musical or Comedy
- Sacha Baron Cohen (“Who Is America?”) – Didn’t actually see this, as I am not a middle-aged liberal with nothing better to do.
- Jim Carrey (“Kidding”) – He may be on thin ice, but he can stay, as “The Truman Show” is a really good movie.
Michael Douglas (“The Kominsky Method”)– Never even heard of this show but apparently, it’s by the genius minds behind “The Big Bang Theory,” so I already can’t see it possessing any merit whatsoever. Donald Glover (“Atlanta”)– Since I already nominated Brian Tyree Henry in the drama category, I shall nominate Lakeith Stanfield for a perfect comedic performance. Donald Glover may have been funny as Troy Barnes in “Community” (or was he?), but Earn is barely a player in “Robbin Season.”
- Bill Hader (“Barry”) – I like Bill Hader fine, so I mean… Sure?
- Dan Levy (“Schitt’s Creek”) – While he’s no Catherina O’Hara, he does come pretty damn close.
- William Jackson Harper (“The Good Place”) – The character of Chidi Anagonye is probably what convinced me that this show was watchable in the first place. I love his character, I’m sure in large part due to WJH’s performance, and I just wish he was in a better, less homophobic show.
Best Television Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
- “The Alienist” (TNT)
- “The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story” (FX)
- “Escape at Dannemora” (Showtime)
- “Sharp Objects” (HBO)
- “A Very English Scandal” (Amazon)
- Will admit I have seen none of these, but out of all of them, I actively want to watch “Sharp Objects,” so let’s just go ahead and name that one our winner.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
- Amy Adams (“Sharp Objects”) – I mean, I did love Amy Adams in “Psycho Beach Party.”
- Patricia Arquette (“Escape at Dannemora”) – Sure?
- Connie Britton (“Dirty John”) – Sure?
- Laura Dern (“The Tale”) – Who doesn’t love Laura Dern?
- Regina King (“Seven Seconds”) – Sure!
Best Performance by an Actor in a Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Antonio Banderas (“Genius: Picasso”) Daniel Bruhl (“The Alienist”) Darren Criss (“The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story”) Benedict Cumberbatch (“Patrick Melrose”) Hugh Grant (“A Very English Scandal”)
- Other than Daniel Bruhl (because, who??) I have a personal, perhaps unjustified vendetta against all of these men, but since I have no one else to nominate, let’s just give this award to Amy Adams, shall we?
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Alex Borstein (“The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”)– I’m supposed to believe that character is straight??? Please.
- Patricia Clarkson (“Sharp Objects”) – I hold much love for character actress Patricia Clarkson.
- Penelope Cruz (“The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story”) – Penelope Cruz seems cool.
- Thandie Newton (“Westworld”) – Oh, while this show does fully suck, Thandie Newton is great in it.
Yvonne Strahovski (“The Handmaid’s Tale”)– I feel like out of all the actresses in that show, this should go to Samira Wiley, but I may only be saying that because I have a crush on her.
- Donna Lynne Champlin (“Crazy Ex-Girlfriend”) – Donna Lynne Champlin deserves to be honored in every way possible! I mean just try watching this scene and then telling me she doesn’t deserve an award (or twenty).
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Alan Arkin (“The Kominsky Method”) Kieran Culkin (“Succession”) Edgar Ramirez (“The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story”) Ben Whishaw (“A Very English Scandal”)
- Henry Winkler (“Barry”) – Who doesn’t love Henry Winkler?
- So I guess we have a de facto winner?
Best Animated Television Series – This is a category that exists now because it’s my house now, bitches!!
- “Bob’s Burgers” – What a lovely show– entertaining and feel-good while always undercut with a punchline so as never to veer into sentimentality. Other than “Schitt’s Creek,” this is probably my favorite family sitcom.
- “Summer Camp Island” – I watched the first season with my youngest brother this summer, and what a wonderful watch it was. A whimsical little show that prioritizes empathy and healthy expressions of emotion– what a great thing to teach to children!
- “Bojack Horseman” – Season 5 was an excellent exploration of its audience response and how to navigate it, and who could’ve guessed it was written before #MeToo? (I mean, I could’ve because this is a show about critiquing the flaws of Hollywoo(d) and everyone who works in it has known that flagrant abuses of power and violence against women was a major issue, since, like, forever.) A very solid season of a very good show.
- “Hilda” – Another one I watch with my little brother. So lovely in every way, Netflix needs to allow more shows like this to exist.
- “Adventure Time” – Ah, “Adventure Time.” My friends, it is no coincidence I am choosing to end this piece on this note. Because above all else, I firmly do maintain that “Adventure Time” was one of the great shows of the decade. The finale aired this September, and though a bittersweet farewell, it was a necessary conclusion. “Adventure Time” is unique for its narrative structure, and its thematically ranges from the deconstruction of fantasy worldbuilding to vast and nebulous topics such as aging, depression, love, loss, and lesbians. It was a show like no other, under the guise of being a simple, episodic cartoon, it ultimately told one of the most complex, nuanced, and thoughtful stories I have ever been privy to witness. So let’s just give all our Sandra Oh-and-Andy Samberg-presented (and may I just say, dream team??) Golden Globes to Adam Muto & co for the masterpiece that
iswas “Adventure Time.”
In conclusion: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Adventure Time, Killing Eve, I deserve to be King of Hollywood, Sorry to Bother You, The Favourite, etc, etc…