Top 10 Bond Girls RANKED; Let’s Objectify Some Women!

1. Vesper Lynd, Casino Royale – Eva Green: Like, does this even need to be explained. Come on. ‘Nough said.

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As a barely-a-teen watching this movie, she caused my already-confused sexuality to be thrown into a salad spinner of fuck. 

2. May Day, A View to a Kill – Grace Jones: I don’t even think she was the “Bond girl” of that movie; I’m pretty sure she was actually Christopher Walken’s morally-confused, gorgeous, badass henchwoman, but I distinctly remember her sleeping with Bond and being a million times cooler than Stacey “my stiletto!” whatever-the-fuck-her-name-was.

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I mean, just look at her. That suit alone is lesbian kryptonite.

3. Solitaire, Live and Let Die – Jane Seymour: Obviously this movie is pretty terrible (apart from the iconic crocodile scene, of course), but I look back upon Solitaire fondly.

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And I mean, can you blame me?

4. Melina Havelock, For Your Eyes Only – Carole Bouquet: I mean, I barely remember this movie at all, except for the fact that Maggie Thatcher appeared at the end (because otherwise, we wouldn’t have realized just how British this franchise is!), but she was hot.

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And so very capable. (Pictured above: A brunette holding a crossbow, aka every girl’s fantasy, don’t lie to yourself.)

5. Pussy Galore, Goldfinger – Honor Blackman: A self-assured, morally-ambiguous pilot with a most unfortunate name.

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She was confident in her sexuality (I mean, you’d have to be with a name like that), and was almost Sam Bee-esque in her ability to rock a blazer. Again, enough said. (And again, please take pity on her for her undoubtedly abusive parents.)

6. Anya Asamova, The Spy Who Loved Me – Barbara Bach: Okay, she was genuinely badass. A competent, skilled, Russian spy, committed to protecting Mother Russia, and only occasionally, literally sleeping with the enemy.

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She realized that she couldn’t satisfy her libido if he was dead, and they both lowered their guns in a standstill and fucked in a conveniently-decked-out submarine escape pod. I’m not being remotely facetious, that’s literally how that movie ends.

7. Tracy Bond, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service – Diana Rigg: Now, I don’t much care for her, but she’s my father’s favorite Bond girl due to his childhood crush on Rigg, and much like movie The Godfather, I thus harbor a fondness for her because of the fact.

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Her untimely demise? Tragic.

8. Tiffany Case, Diamonds Are Forever – Jill St. John: The appropriately-named diamond smuggler was intelligent enough to make the list.

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Look how confident she is leading a life of opulence and amorality! Young, idealistic Bond girls simply caught in the crossfires don’t interest me. Give me a woman who’s been in the business long enough to know to check a guy’s glass of bourbon for prints. (But clearly not long enough to realize that Bond was wearing Frank’s prints over his fingertips! Q really does think of everything.)

9. Christmas Jones, The World Is Not Enough – Denise Richards: I hate the Brosnan era as much as, if not more so, than the next gal, but she was undeniably gorgeous. Look, this movie was terrible. Just so absolutely forgettable that I remember nothing about this character. Plus, she’s played by a less than capable actress. Isn’t she supposed to be a nuclear physicist? That can’t possibly be right. But who cares? It’s a fucking LOOK. (No, seriously, look at her.)

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Every time she decides to have a one-night-stand with some suave MI6 douchebag, she has to hear some iteration of the line “I thought Christmas only came once a year!” [Knee-slap.] Yeah, I bet she’d never heard that line before. Her name is Christmas, okay? Take pity on her.

10. Dink, Goldfinger – Margaret Nolan: Her name is Dink.

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This woman is subjected to all kinds of misogyny from Connery’s Bond in the few minutes she graces our screen. Also, her name is Dink.


Bonus: Jaws, The Spy Who Loved Me, Moonraker – Richard Kiel: Remember that time he found love with a pigtailed blonde girl?

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Yes, that’s how ridiculous and terrible of a movie that clusterfuck Moonraker was. Someone pitched that while writing it, and Broccoli went, “Well this idea can’t be worse than the rest of the movie.” When they kiss, does he rip out her tongue with his teeth? When he goes down on her, does he rip out her labia?

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Oh, Jaws. You’ll always be the Bond girl of my heart.

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