Everyone in the western area, be on the lookout. An absolute madman is on the loose.

Timothy Dalton, 56, (of no relation to the actor) did something unprecedented– and criminally insane– last night. He drank a whole entire glass of milk with his dinner. You read that right, he actually made himself some dinner, and decided to top it off with a glass of plain milk. Just a whole fucking glass of milk.

This man is an adult, he is soon approaching 60, and yet he drank an entire glass of milk without a care in the world. We urge you to stay safe, and avoid this man at all costs.

Commenting on the incident, defense attorney Denise Feldman stated, “Milk is like if water were thicker, sweeter, and opaque. Anyone who finds this appealing deserves nothing less than the death penalty.”

A source who wished to remain anonymous later confirmed for us, “Yeah, he’s white.”

And while apparently, “White people do that sometimes,” some do ardently maintain that this violent act should be considered nothing less than a criminal offense, and suggest that one take precautions to avoid the kinds of amoral deviants who engage in this sort of behavior.

♦