For years people have speculated upon the existence of the so-called “epidermis” on men’s “flesh.” New research suggests what many have already considered: Men do not have skin, as it is an inherently female biological trait.

There have already been many to raise their doubts. One academic, Dr. Lee Brown, a professor of biology at Cornell University, postulated, “If males have been proven to not possess epidermis, then why aren’t half the people walking around on the planet disgusting, fleshless, skeleton-looking beasts? How can this study hold any truth when every man I’ve ever met has skin?” Well, we think we have the answer.

Dr. Andrew Johansson,* a scientist at Stanford and known fleshless, skeleton-looking beast,** explained his theory, “My research suggests the following: If you are a man with skin, you’re gay. You’re totally gay, dude. You may not know it, but there is a subconscious part of you that craves the flesh of another man.”

This diligently-researched analysis sent shockwaves through the dermatologist community. It had been proven to hold water, as Stanford is a more prestigious college than Cornell, thus proving Johansson’s claims more legitimate than Brown’s doubts.

Also confounding a group of gay scientists on Twitter, we asked spokesperson of the gay community Jesse Tyler Ferguson to weigh in on this study, “I’m not a scientist, but I am skeptical of these claims. Yes, I have skin, but so do many straight guys I know. Pretty much everyone has skin, other than major burn victims and decaying corpses, and even then, they were all born with skin.”

To which Johansson responded, “Guess that makes you all gay. If you have skin, you’re totally gay, dude.”

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*This article was paid for by the Johansson Foundation, attached with the quote, “Please publish this article in a reputable source, I’m so tired of people referring to me as a ‘fleshless, skeleton-looking beast.’”

**It should be noted that Dr. Johansson is a distant descendent of a lich, which is previously why it was believed he has no flesh. (We now realize, though, that it is because he’s such a red-blooded straight man, truly paragon of male heterosexuality.)